waiting

What’s Happenin’

Written a week ago. Things have subtly shifted since.
1. For almost 3 weeks my ribs were so painful that sometimes I couldn’t breathe. I woke up abruptly so many times in the night because I’d breathed in too hard- so then I was tired, so I would yawn which hurt my ribs, stretching them a little more each time. Catch 22. A pulled muscle I guess.
2. I’ve been getting rid of so many clothes lately, so many things. I listed over 30 items online. I can’t believe I had so many things hanging around that I was happy to sell. They’re selling slowly though.
3. And buying new things: a hob kettle, white jeans, spotty blouse, pale pink chiffon skirt, black sundress, white linen shirt.
4. My thoughts are turning towards my birthday this December.
5. I only realised recently that I’m actually a autumn baby, not a winter baby like I’d always believed. The whole run up to Christmas actually takes place during autumn, isn’t that crazy?
6. I don’t listen to the news lately. That’s where I’m at right now, with that.
7. The Lena Dunham Youtube series. Just watch.
8. Shine theory. Push yourself to befriend that girl who makes you jealous because she has it all, and is so great. Flora I’m looking at you.
9. Just to explain- we’re (still) waiting for which airfield we’re going to be moving near, for Boyfriend’s work. He needs a hangar, to re-spray and valet planes in. It’s been tough. If I’d known it would take this long, I wouldn’t have waited to immerse myself into things.
9. Being a homelover. I’d love a little more to do but I do really appreciate having a home like this. You learn something from every situation you’re in.
10. Got an appointment with a female hair specialist consultant in London in a fortnight. It’s been a long road. Thought it was the anaemia I was diagnosed with back in January, but no luck. The problem with what I’ve got is that my hair always looks like it’s getting better- it’s constantly in the re-growth baby hairs stage. I’m hoping for a concrete solution. I’m hoping this isn’t a continuation of a long search for answers, going increasingly into the unknown. It could be so much worse. Someone told me of a girl who kept having severe facial allergic reactions, was told by specialist that her face would just start to droop and she’d need plastic surgery but it turned out she was just allergic to tomatoes and potatoes.
11. Feeling the growth. The introspection of the nothingness.
12. I want to join a dance class. Perhaps ballet?
13. You just wait. I’m not lazy. Once we have somewhere concrete to live, I’m going to leap into action like a… gazelle.
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So that shift. 
a. I’ve set up a Facebook group online for people interested in doing the first stage of RIE training, a two week intensive Foundation course. Lots of people are interested, and oddly congratulating me?, and it feels so great.
b. I’m also working next week, with my old nannying family, so that’ll be lovely. If a little nerve wracking, as the holidays are a tricky time- they’re big into TV and I like the outdoors. (But can easily get sucked into the TV trap).
c. I’m focusing on pushing my social life; organising a lunch with some scattered nursing degree friends (only 2/5 are still on the same path as this time last year!), organising a dinner with old school friends, I saw my middle sister in Spain last weekend, spoke to my oldest sister on Monday. Emailing various people, and generally seizing those opportunities.
d. I got an interview for the level 3 children’s counselling course- a little nervous since I’m only halfway through the adult level 2 right now but.. it’ll be OK. More than OK!
e. We’re now a long way down the path to a concrete agreement with an airfield. Strangely enough, it’s the original airfield from 3 ‘for sure’ airfields ago, when negotiations fell apart due to an unpleasant selfish man who is no longer there.
f. we’re good. things are good. we’re lucky.

Waiting

Do you spend a lot of time waiting? I feel like at the moment I am waiting, but also embracing life today- as I try to always do. I know how lucky I am.

I was waiting to start University, but now I’m waiting for the other people on my course to settle in. To go out for an evening drink (yes!) but not clubbing all night with lectures the next day (no thanks..).  To get to class on time. To realise that the course is serious, and full- time. We need to concentrate, and oh could we work together on x? To get beyond the ‘I grew up here and this is how I lived’. It doesn’t matter much- this is how we live now, and we need to get on with it. You know?

It’s funny getting to know people day by day. Who arrives late, who’s early, who hasn’t read the emails, who invites you out but doesn’t contact you, who asks for your number, who can’t figure out how to use the university online system intuitively. It really sounds like I’m being horribly judgemental but .. isn’t everyone judging everyone? I am keeping as open a mind as I can. I just want to know who my friends will be, who will support me, if anyone. Because if it’s not going to work, then I want to know. I just want to settle down!

I am just really not enjoying being back in education- especially with a bunch of girls. All this politics isn’t my thing. I just want people to be nice, and to want to hang out with me once in a while. Boyfriend says I have it all wrong, and that everyone feels this way- like they’re tagging along. Maybe I talk too much. I definitely think too much.

teatime in our house, surrounded by trees and sun

This makes my heart catch, waiting for the future. Things are a bit uncertain right now with Boyfriend’s job so it’s especially poignant. If he’s told he’s not cruel enough for the company, and is sacked, then it might take a little longer to get over there. But on the other hand, we may just do things differently. Everything could change, and that wouldn’t be a bad thing. Where we live, university, jobs, wedding, children, emigration. It might have a different timeline from what we were anticipating. And that’s fine.