What’s Happenin’

Written a week ago. Things have subtly shifted since.
1. For almost 3 weeks my ribs were so painful that sometimes I couldn’t breathe. I woke up abruptly so many times in the night because I’d breathed in too hard- so then I was tired, so I would yawn which hurt my ribs, stretching them a little more each time. Catch 22. A pulled muscle I guess.
2. I’ve been getting rid of so many clothes lately, so many things. I listed over 30 items online. I can’t believe I had so many things hanging around that I was happy to sell. They’re selling slowly though.
3. And buying new things: a hob kettle, white jeans, spotty blouse, pale pink chiffon skirt, black sundress, white linen shirt.
4. My thoughts are turning towards my birthday this December.
5. I only realised recently that I’m actually a autumn baby, not a winter baby like I’d always believed. The whole run up to Christmas actually takes place during autumn, isn’t that crazy?
6. I don’t listen to the news lately. That’s where I’m at right now, with that.
7. The Lena Dunham Youtube series. Just watch.
8. Shine theory. Push yourself to befriend that girl who makes you jealous because she has it all, and is so great. Flora I’m looking at you.
9. Just to explain- we’re (still) waiting for which airfield we’re going to be moving near, for Boyfriend’s work. He needs a hangar, to re-spray and valet planes in. It’s been tough. If I’d known it would take this long, I wouldn’t have waited to immerse myself into things.
9. Being a homelover. I’d love a little more to do but I do really appreciate having a home like this. You learn something from every situation you’re in.
10. Got an appointment with a female hair specialist consultant in London in a fortnight. It’s been a long road. Thought it was the anaemia I was diagnosed with back in January, but no luck. The problem with what I’ve got is that my hair always looks like it’s getting better- it’s constantly in the re-growth baby hairs stage. I’m hoping for a concrete solution. I’m hoping this isn’t a continuation of a long search for answers, going increasingly into the unknown. It could be so much worse. Someone told me of a girl who kept having severe facial allergic reactions, was told by specialist that her face would just start to droop and she’d need plastic surgery but it turned out she was just allergic to tomatoes and potatoes.
11. Feeling the growth. The introspection of the nothingness.
12. I want to join a dance class. Perhaps ballet?
13. You just wait. I’m not lazy. Once we have somewhere concrete to live, I’m going to leap into action like a… gazelle.
So that shift. 
a. I’ve set up a Facebook group online for people interested in doing the first stage of RIE training, a two week intensive Foundation course. Lots of people are interested, and oddly congratulating me?, and it feels so great.
b. I’m also working next week, with my old nannying family, so that’ll be lovely. If a little nerve wracking, as the holidays are a tricky time- they’re big into TV and I like the outdoors. (But can easily get sucked into the TV trap).
c. I’m focusing on pushing my social life; organising a lunch with some scattered nursing degree friends (only 2/5 are still on the same path as this time last year!), organising a dinner with old school friends, I saw my middle sister in Spain last weekend, spoke to my oldest sister on Monday. Emailing various people, and generally seizing those opportunities.
d. I got an interview for the level 3 children’s counselling course- a little nervous since I’m only halfway through the adult level 2 right now but.. it’ll be OK. More than OK!
e. We’re now a long way down the path to a concrete agreement with an airfield. Strangely enough, it’s the original airfield from 3 ‘for sure’ airfields ago, when negotiations fell apart due to an unpleasant selfish man who is no longer there.
f. we’re good. things are good. we’re lucky.

Keep on Keeping On

I told my parents about my decision to leave my course almost 2 weeks after my meeting with my personal tutor, and after I’d already signed to say I was leaving. This was because my dad had an operation coming up, and I thought it best to wait. I found that really nerve wracking (see prior post!) but it was definitely the right move. Telling them went fine, I chose to do so by email and invited them to then call me to talk about it. They said a few strange things but all ok.

Fast forward to now- two weeks later almost and I’ve come to London to see them while they’re back in the country for a bit. We went out for dinner (dim sum, nom) and things were fine but I knew they wanted to talk further about my plans. This conversation began just before we got the bill.

It’s important to me that they feel heard and that they can express their opinions. Unfortunately they come at things with a very different world view, although there are many things we agree on. As a lawyer and a doctor, they find it hard that I won’t have a job title, or be very well paid for my efforts. They don’t want me to do foster caring mainly as they don’t value looking after children as a worthwhile use of time or talents (hence us being kinda raised by nannies), and I won’t get any recognition for it.
Some phrases used ‘you seem to be narrowing down your life’ ‘what are we supposed to tell our friends’ ‘this won’t use all your talents and skills’ ‘you didn’t give nursing a fair chance’ ‘you keep giving up on things’ ‘you would have been an excellent doctor’ ‘you’re setting your sights lower and lower’ ‘if you’re up against someone with a degree you’ll always lose out’ ‘to do fostering you really need a child psychology degree’.
They have some things that I’m interested in a box marked ‘acceptable’ and others in a ‘disregard’ pile, it seems. Roots of Empathy instructor – tick, fostering – bin, Place2Be training – tick, nannying – bin.
They said they wanted me to be able to support myself (‘I believe in feminism – that you should be independent’. Interesting interpretation, because I thought feminism was about my right to choose what I do). My sister is a box called Artist, so is ‘allowed’ to work at things she hates (restaurant, cabinet painter) to make money to fund her art time. For some reason I’m not allowed to do something I love (nannying/childcare) to fund the things I really love (RIE training, Roots of Empathy, mentoring). Oh but tutoring is ok for some reason- which I’m also planning on doing, of course (why would I not want £20/hour!). They’ve spoken about how my other eldest sister is considering doing some Montessori or Steiner teacher training so that she can have an independent income just in case (tick- sounds legit) but the fact that nannying will pay the same, as my just-in-case option, isn’t ok.
They need to give me a chance to build up experience (some of it unpaid), so I can go forward with my plans (getting training along the way), in order to perhaps in 10 years time be someone who people value the opinion of and who can speak up about things.

I feel like this is it, that I’ve lost their support – though of course not their love. This will rear it’s head many times until I reach a level they’re happy with, and we will rehash the same conversation over and over.

But I remain confident that pursuing my passions and interests is the right thing to do.