In case you hadn’t guessed, I no longer post here.
I write privately instead (I splurged on DayOne for mac, having had it on my phone for a while)
Still – always happy to meet someone new so contact me on email@example.com if you’d like.
In case you hadn’t guessed, I no longer post here.
I write privately instead (I splurged on DayOne for mac, having had it on my phone for a while)
Still – always happy to meet someone new so contact me on firstname.lastname@example.org if you’d like.
I love the sun. Let me count the ways.
Here on this train, from across the fields and through the trees. I lean my head back and close my eyes. And thank my lucky stars for the star.
Through the balcony doors in our old flat, sitting in the bright square cast onto the carpet.
In the morning after I’ve scrambled out of (our newly much lower) bed to unveil the bottom right square of the window, pronounced what kind of day it is and then jumped back into bed. We have 4 blackout blinds, one for each window pane. I made them up myself, using eyelets and nails to hang them off. I suppose we don’t like the sun so much before we’re ready to be awake.
About 8 minutes into my usual running route when I turn the corner onto a road that runs alongside a small field. I briefly run with my eyes closed, as my feet know the path.
When in London and I’m underground travelling on the tube for a while and in the intervening time the weather has miraculously improved and as I pop up I’m hit by it’s warmth.
In a twist, the very thing I didn’t want to happen did happen, and so I was prepared for it, because I had thought about it in detail.
The doctor today told me that it isn’t the iron levels, it isn’t hormones: there is nothing to fix, it’s just what it is. (It’s erm.. Female pattern hair loss. Now there’s a loaded term).
She launched straight into the options now: cosmetic. Covering it up, mousses pills etc. But I went to her to fix the problem, not hide it. She told me there is nothing to fix.
I’ve never been one for make up, straightening my hair, push up padded bras. For me, a mousse that you sleep with in every night is in the same category. While you’re on it, you have hair. When you stop- it’ll all fall out. It’s not the option for me.
So now I learn to embrace it. To embrace all of me.
I reject the ‘fighting it’ terminology. There is nothing to ‘fight’. It is what it is.
National Blog Publishing Month? Wait a sec, I’ll check. Oh, Posting Month. That makes sense.
So I’m going to give this a go. Show up, day after day. Let’s see.
1. It’s late. When I clicked new post it was 12.34 o’clock, a favourite of mine. You can tell I’m not at home as I’m rarely up at this time there. I’m staying at my parents house.
2. Today I went to dinner with some school friends. It was lovely. I walked a friend back to hers and was invited in for jasmine tea.
3. I’ve given up cereal for a little while. Last week, while I was busy, I ate lots of bowls of it. It’s only Cheerios (and fruit & fibre) but it was the craving part I came to hate. I was thinking of it between meals, after meals, during meals. And we’ve always had Cheerios around, and I never really had them much before. So I said stop. It’s worked already; now it’s not an option, I have only thought of them once.
4. I have an appointment tomorrow with a hair loss specialist. They’ll take a full history, look at previous blood test results and perhaps take a biopsy from my scalp (!). I’m a little nervous- mainly at the thought of not finding any answers. Of being that person, on the endless quest for a diagnosis. Trying this and testing for that. We’ll see- it could be something simple.
5. I had been craving char sui bao for a while (and dim sum in general) so I found a place recommended online (it specifically said popular with local Chinese community – a good sign) and put it on my calendar for today, since it’s near the train station. When I got there I looked at the price on the menu outside, counted my coins then went in and ordered it, and a tap water. When I’d finished, I left my £3, with 40p tip and left. It was a little strange but perfect. They had given me more than a delicious meal- they had hit the spot, and been completely non-judgemental (I didn’t have any more money, and there was a £12 minimum card payment!). It’s called Ho’s, on Vicar Lane, Leeds. I’ll be back, with Boyfriend, and next time we’ll order a full meal and a half.
Oh! Whilst there I saw a boy meeting his girlfriends parents for the first time. He was wearing a tie, looked completely baffled and was being studiously ignored by the father and peered at by the mother. Poor thing.
Till tomorrow (or really, later today).
So many stars for this.
I almost don’t feel like I have the required intelligence to comment on this book. Oh Dave, you are genius.
It’s about a world where a company, a sort of cross between Facebook and Google and Apple, kind of own the internet – all social media, the only search engine – and have unlimited funds to continue funding their ideas and acquiring start ups, into the realm of distinctly scary.
It’s a world where keeping anything private and not sharing about it online is depriving others of essential second hand experiences. Where everyone has the right to know.. Everything. And where secrets are only horrible and bad if you keep them to yourself.
The amazing thing is that at the start things don’t seem so bad – one login for everything, based on your real identity? Well that wipes out the trolls, and the need for ever stranger passwords and usernames. A bracelet that monitors all your health stats, so your doctor can keep an eye on you? Sign me up. Maybe.
Just go read it. So many thoughts.
to be published on Mondays.
When I was about 15 the school dining room was closed during the summer term. Instead each day we had tokens to get a brown paper lunch bag. They would be handed out at points around the school, with a fierce scrum to get a good one. The best was the pesto pasta salad with mozzarella pearls.
We would sit round the back of the sports hall, the metal ridges of the fire escape stairs digging in to our thighs and eat with small black plastic cutlery. And talk. Endless talking.
At my parents house for the day.
Taste discomfort of this and the burning need for more croissant. Smell flowers from behind me in a vase. Hear my brother munching on eggs bacon toast, and the cars passing over the hill, and the hum of the electricity through the lights tv fridge. Hear the man cleaning the steps. Feel the strangeness as I sit on this sofa, book in hand. Feel sore soles and delicate ribs, still. Feel the quiet. Feel the failed start of a sneeze as my body knows my ribs won’t take it. Feel the uncertainly of our future plans, my future.
views. five thousand views.
that’s a lot. (in my mind)
thanks everyone! xox
I agreed to go out for dinner with a group of people from a netball class that I used to go to sometimes but have now quit. It’s tonight (which is yesterday). This morning, boyfriend said that his friend S (who’s girlfriend E is the one who took me to the class originally) suggested that they meet us after the dinner to have drinks with us. I agree to this plan. I then get a text from E saying that some of the other people in the group want to ‘go out’ after the dinner, so we could do that then get a taxi back to hers and boyfriend and I can stay over. As I was having a brief (yay!) dip into depression the previous 24 hours, it shook me. (Side note- been ages since I’ve had more than a day or so of it- by ages I mean at least 4-6 weeks. Feel blessed and lucky.) I thought I’d do a little before and after piece.
/ I immediately thought she meant a club (this may not be the case) / I don’t know these people very well at all / The attendees at the netball classes are mainly 30 year olds, and 17 year olds- we’re in the uncomfortable middle / I have been to a club maybe twice, both times with my Boyfriend, since I went to Malia over 3 years ago / I don’t want anyone to touch me / I don’t drink any more because I hate saying stupid things with anyone other than boyfriend or family / I don’t want to stay in their spare room because I like being at home and they have cats / Going out for dinner is enough / I’m 21 I’m supposed to know how to have fun and relax and I’m supposed to enjoy it / Boyfriend was saying some of the best nights out he’s had were when he didn’t want to go – and he still loves it but just doesn’t go / I would love to go, but only with him, to dance / what am I supposed to wear / having dinner 30/40 minutes drive away is probably enough for one evening surely? / I just want to drink water and have a starter for a main – do my thing, you know? /
Anyway, I’m going and I’m going to prepare myself for both a club and staying the night. But really I just want to drive there, eat & smile, and drive back home to Boyfriend- that’s enough apart time.
So I went, and it was fine. Of course. G&T in Wetherspoons, then onto the Italian restaurant- shared garlic bread with onions and mozzarella, then chicken salad and drank tap water like most others (healthy bunch- it is a netball team). Then back to Wetherspoons- got some pitchers- had a couple of glasses of that. Had two shots, one sambuca one tequila. Didn’t buy anything myself. Had a nice time talking to a slightly older girl who has a kid, who was crazy which I loved. Got picked up by the boyfriends at about 1am. The younger girls were on the whole.. young. Mainly obsessed with rating the local clubs, each other and other people they knew. And very nervous about using their fake IDs! It wasn’t so bad- but very glad I avoided the club, (they decided it was too ‘dead’) and that this other girl had been there to talk to too. The spare room was fine, though I thought the mattress was a waterbed one until the morning when I realised I had just been drunk when I got in..
Just goes to show doesn’t it.. but what it’s showing I don’t know because when I knew they were outside I literally ran out the door to kiss Boyfriend right on the face.
just a roundup of some recipes I’ve tried lately- mostly of the vegan etc variety. as you can probably tell, boyfriend has been out a lot!
// sweet potato brownies (deliciously ella) these were delicious, but not everyone who tried them was a fan!
// quinoa avocado sushi (plant-based pixie) so yummy, but mine was very messy!
// morning courgette muffins (what would gwyneth do) these have been a favourite for a while- made them 3 times already.
// zoats (mix up of two recipes but it’s just grated courgette, oats, egg white and maple syrup cooked together in a saucepan) – surprisingly delicious- had them twice so far. strange to get your head around but really recommend for getting your greens in.
// // banana puff pancakes; my own recipe; (two heaped 0.25 cups; one of white flour and one of wholewheat brown flour. Add 1 teaspoon baking powder. Mash in a whole banana, and 0.5 cup of almond milk. Squirt in some maple syrup. These burn easily. Heat coconut oil in a pan, pour in and watch carefully. They puff up great on the second side!) These are really great- making them today. Makes 3 small ones.
Just a quick note to say how amazed I’ve been by Rebecca Woolf’s (Girl’s Gone Child) words lately. I’m in a stage of really reading, listening and hearing what people are saying.
// This hit me deep. I’ve been there, (a boy with his younger sisters) and I didn’t handle it with the confidence she has. Maybe next time, I will.
“But she’s so cute I wanted to carry her!”
“It isn’t up to you. She wants to walk. Listen to HER words, not YOUR wants.”
go read.. Raising Respectful Sons
// Also, this one; about how our children don’t have to be liked all the time.
go read… The Unbearable Likeness of Being
‘look at all those fancy clothes, but these will keep us warm just like those.’
I recently came across (a late comer to the party, no doubt) The Minimalists and found this list. I thought I’d go through it step by step. For context, we’ll be moving in about 2.5 months but nothing confirmed. It’s our furthest move yet, and we’re considering actually hiring some outside help this time!
Go read the original, then come back; 7 Ways to Sample Living With Less
I’m not great on this one. I don’t have tonnes of clothes, or it feels that way as we have a lot of storage in this house and I could definitely have fewer. The trouble is, I really do go back and realise that something I love just slipped off the hangar. It’s cyclical. You know? Pretty much everything fits me, and I like it. So that’s ok for now. When we finalise our housemove I’ll go through it all again, as I’ve done each time, and donate a chunk. I don’t find choosing to be stressful and have a nice at the moment of jeans, shorts of leggings with an array of pretty tops, cardigans and jumpers. That’s just called getting dressed isn’t it.. But! I have way too many coats. So many coats.
we don’t have that many random decorations, as I try to only bring in things that are beautiful or useful. That old chesnut. Anyway, I did discover the other day that Boyfriend thought a drawing I have was done my sister as opposed to a famous illustrator! All the rest are related to us and our lives together. A set of mini bunting from each anniversary, a canvas photo print from the mini adventure, a vintage tin plate advert of the London-Edinburgh line which we took a thousand times at the beginning of our relationship (we covered 10,000 miles in 6 months visiting each other). You get the idea.
.. not a problem we currently suffer from. I plan to be pretty strict on this though- I know that the best toys are not toys at all.
good idea. I might stow away a few. We definitely don’t need a potato masher as I’ve only used it once and found it inconvinient. Guess we could use some improvement here. We have a lot of spare stuff in the copious storage in our bedroom.
we haven’t even plugged it in since we moved here, and cancelled our tv license over a year ago. We still have the screen however, which I’m planning on selling shortly. However- I think the point of this was fewer screens, which we could definitely benefit from. I have a laptop, a tablet/convertible, and a iPhone. He has a laptop, an old laptop, a broken iPhone, and a PC that he never uses but it’s special to him. We also have two spare phones in our tech box. This needs to change.
I try to keep our surfaces fairly clear. However I do find that my eating habits benefit from being able to see my healthy options, and I have a glass jar collection to match. It’s arrange by height though, and is very pleasing.
we could probably get rid of some stuff but our place is big- so it works for now. Next place, probably some stuff needs to go.
their whole site, by the way, is excellent; go have a look at their inspiring pieces.
Sex education and discussion is something very close to my heart, and without going into my personal story- I’ll leave it there.
I recently became a member of an organisation called Brook that I’ve been following for a while now, on twitter etc. (Unfortunately, they don’t have many opportunities to interact with them this far north, but I’m always hopeful). They spread a message of positive sex education- something that I think is so important. They believe in the greatness of young people, and respecting them. That they can make their own choices, and navigate a path for themselves- but that they do need access and support and honest discussion. This goes beyond ‘always use a condom kids’ (which is all I got at school it seems), to discussion of relationships, enjoyment, consent, abortion, emotions & feelings.
Just look at this latest blog post from their CEO Simon Blake ; Harder no, Different yes.
Proud to be one small part of their great work.
Sex is so often a secret thing, and in a young persons brain things can get so confused with no trusted adult to discuss it with. Sometimes very important personal things get only discussed with other equally confused young people, and or not discussed at all but instead secret-ed away- increasing their feelings of isolation.
Some myths I remember;
‘it’s just body parts connecting, it’s not a big deal’
‘if you’re drunk it’s your own fault what happens next’
‘if you have anal sex you’re still a virgin’ (the whole concept of virgin is one for another day..)
‘if you’ve tried bases 1, 2, and 3 you gotta have sex next’
‘If it hurts that’s just what happens’
‘You can’t stop doing it if you’ve done it with them before’
There was never any discussion of it being fun or pleasant.
When I began university, two years older than most of my class mates, it terrified me to hear stories of near-rape situations- which they laughed off (though of course I don’t these were their real feelings). Some of them didn’t believe that there was anyone kind enough to consider their feelings, that ultimately all men just want sex and you have to go ahead with it for cuddles and affection. They didn’t value themselves, because they had never met anyone who treated them right. Makes my heart twist just to think about it.
I like to think I played a part in empowering those around me, to demand respect and to keep themselves safe- regardless of other people’s opinions.
Some thoughts from the past fortnight, whilst out and about.
p.s. couldn’t bring myself to say hate :)
… is not a diet.
Or at least, I try.
It was gradual process-
// turning away from bread/products – viewing them as a special treat, almost always wholegrain (which I think taste a hell of a lot better), picking the small size loaf.
// portion sizes- downsizing wherever possible, forget what a meal conventionally looks like – convention is wrong- serve yourself when eating at other peoples houses.
// don’t eat just because it’s dinner/lunch time – listen to your body and eat when you’re hungry- but don’t let it get to food-frenzy-levels.
// eat slower. eat mindfully. I need to remind myself of this every time.
// food diary- just being accountable, the only person I was tricking is myself. This goes back to my childhood. I remember sneaking 4 pieces of toast wrapped in a napkin and sprinting to my room- if no one sees you then it’s didn’t happen right? wrong.
// watching the balance- up the veg, down the dairy/sugar/meat/carbs. Try going grain free for a day – it makes you think (and it makes you hungry!).
// black choc not milk. One square not a bar. Once a week not daily. I was never a big chocolate eater though I suppose.
// don’t set yourself up for a crave-y day. limit sugars, especially in the morning.
It’s nothing new.
Oh, and exercise. I’ run twice a week – and starting each (but not every) day with press ups and leg raises (and stretching/yoga, and failing at pull ups). I walk when I don’t run- through our gorgeous local forest next to the river. Healthy eating alone won’t do anything if you never raise your heart rate.
Just being kind to myself, and appreciating my healthy body. I want to feel a little stronger, and make changes that will stick, no gimmicks.
P.S. This is not the blog post I intended to write but oh well- that one will be up soon.
I told my parents about my decision to leave my course almost 2 weeks after my meeting with my personal tutor, and after I’d already signed to say I was leaving. This was because my dad had an operation coming up, and I thought it best to wait. I found that really nerve wracking (see prior post!) but it was definitely the right move. Telling them went fine, I chose to do so by email and invited them to then call me to talk about it. They said a few strange things but all ok.
Fast forward to now- two weeks later almost and I’ve come to London to see them while they’re back in the country for a bit. We went out for dinner (dim sum, nom) and things were fine but I knew they wanted to talk further about my plans. This conversation began just before we got the bill.
It’s important to me that they feel heard and that they can express their opinions. Unfortunately they come at things with a very different world view, although there are many things we agree on. As a lawyer and a doctor, they find it hard that I won’t have a job title, or be very well paid for my efforts. They don’t want me to do foster caring mainly as they don’t value looking after children as a worthwhile use of time or talents (hence us being kinda raised by nannies), and I won’t get any recognition for it.
Some phrases used ‘you seem to be narrowing down your life’ ‘what are we supposed to tell our friends’ ‘this won’t use all your talents and skills’ ‘you didn’t give nursing a fair chance’ ‘you keep giving up on things’ ‘you would have been an excellent doctor’ ‘you’re setting your sights lower and lower’ ‘if you’re up against someone with a degree you’ll always lose out’ ‘to do fostering you really need a child psychology degree’.
They have some things that I’m interested in a box marked ‘acceptable’ and others in a ‘disregard’ pile, it seems. Roots of Empathy instructor – tick, fostering – bin, Place2Be training – tick, nannying – bin.
They said they wanted me to be able to support myself (‘I believe in feminism – that you should be independent’. Interesting interpretation, because I thought feminism was about my right to choose what I do). My sister is a box called Artist, so is ‘allowed’ to work at things she hates (restaurant, cabinet painter) to make money to fund her art time. For some reason I’m not allowed to do something I love (nannying/childcare) to fund the things I really love (RIE training, Roots of Empathy, mentoring). Oh but tutoring is ok for some reason- which I’m also planning on doing, of course (why would I not want £20/hour!). They’ve spoken about how my other eldest sister is considering doing some Montessori or Steiner teacher training so that she can have an independent income just in case (tick- sounds legit) but the fact that nannying will pay the same, as my just-in-case option, isn’t ok.
They need to give me a chance to build up experience (some of it unpaid), so I can go forward with my plans (getting training along the way), in order to perhaps in 10 years time be someone who people value the opinion of and who can speak up about things.
I feel like this is it, that I’ve lost their support – though of course not their love. This will rear it’s head many times until I reach a level they’re happy with, and we will rehash the same conversation over and over.
But I remain confident that pursuing my passions and interests is the right thing to do.
So, this leaving-the-course decision.. I’m really not good at this.
Case in point, yesterday there was a choice between 4 different trains from London to Gatwick airport, all spaced within 15 minutes of each other and I was completely paralysed by it. I just couldn’t understand why there were so many, or the differences between them and therefore couldn’t make a decision. I also wasn’t sure I was even booking enough or too much time, and maybe I should book a flexi ticket? But then I would just be delaying the problem. Anyway it turned out that they weren’t all going from Victoria station, so that whittled it down and I made a decision pretty quickly after that.
Back to my point. I usually make a decision and then am pretty zen about the consequences of it, as I did my best and had considered all options and outcomes. With this … it’s not so easy.
I go through periods (hours and hours..!) where I’m completely happy and relaxed about this, and know it’s the right thing to do. Then, I’ll read an account of some excellent care delivered by a neonatal nurse, or about the role of a school nurse and just freak. My heart rate goes up, and my brain starts shooting thoughts. The same happens when I remember that I’ve not told my parents, and I’m not doing so until next weekend (as my dad has a pretty important operation on Friday). The reason this concerns me more than normal is that back in May we made the decision together that I would stay on. I had been so sure I had to leave, but a few days later they’d changed my mind. Now I’m sure I’m going to leave (and it’s almost too late to go back now), but I’ve not had any kind of conversation with them about it. But I do think not telling them is the right thing to do, for a little while.
It kind of whittles down to this, which I texted to my boyfriend earlier today;
‘I’m making up my own role*, and I just have no idea if it’s going to work or fulfil me’
Being an adult, eh? It’s the worst. (And the best)
* For those interested, I’m planning on building up being involved with a variety of projects/age groups/companies. This will hopefully include respite caring (during day time or overnight visits), Roots of Empathy, Nightstop host for troubled teenagers, Befriender to teenagers leaving care. In the longer term, I hope to include a relationship with teenagers regarding relationships, consent, sexual health and mental health. I hope to do further training for all the previously mentioned schemes, but also with Kids Company, and Place2Be. I also want to start a family.
As far as I can tell- I don’t need a children’s nursing degree to do any of those things. Therefore I’m OK to leave- right? (What is it with me and needing permission..!)
I’m in a strange place right now.
Throughout May, since my last blog post about it, I fretted and worried about my future on the course. It got to the point where I was sure I was going to leave. However I went to France for 4 days with my parents and little brother, intending to keep my doubts to myself, but ended up spilling the beans. I spoke to both my parents, individually, for hours. I made a decision to stay, and felt better for having made a decision. I decided to try to do many of the volunteering things I hadn’t signed up for due to the unpredictable nature of the course. I put the doubts to bed, and continued on to my second placement.
I hated it, in summary. Again. It was in fact slightly worse than my previous placement. I just thought to myself, ‘well – I’m obviously not destined for a hospital. This is a stepping stone to whatever it is I want to do, which I have yet to discover (but isn’t nursing).’ My mental health remained good this time, and I was able to live a slightly more normal life whilst doing the shifts.
I then organised a routine compulsory meeting with my personal tutor. I filled out the form beforehand, quickly summarising that I had had doubts but was now staying on the course- and the volunteering things I’d recently signed up to do, as well as a brief bit about my home life and interests.
The meeting was yesterday, and it was not what I expected. She was so lovely. In a nutshell, she said ‘why are you doing this? If you’re going to stay, you need a very good reason- someone specifically saying that you need a child nursing degree to do what you want to do. No one is making you do this, and it sounds like you hate it. I want you to be happy. For most students, the placements are what get them through the hard times- but they are your hard times’. She had a point (understatement), and over the course of the almost 2 hour chat (!) I realised I’d started speaking about the course in the past tense.
Since May, I’d put the decision to the back of my mind because I was so relieved to have made a decision. I was too hasty. If my tutor thinks that, then I shouldn’t ‘just wait until the community placements… just wait until you can choose your own placement in 3rd year.. now you may as well finish’ which is the line I get from the other students on my course. In some ways, if I’m going to leave, it needs to be now- a dignified exit, not dropping out because my flimsy ‘decision’ doesn’t stand up to the pressures of constant placements and the academic work on top.
She also said that I should have children sooner rather than later, if that is what I want- there is nothing stopping me. And I should foster, if that’s what I want- again, there is nothing stopping me…Apart from my fears of what other people think; my parents, my boyfriend’s parents, my siblings, my friends from my school. She said I need to make decisions for myself, and for our future. I felt pretty empowered.
So I’m now in the curious position of still attending two tutorials today, but finding out the awesome local nannying job I applied for last night want to see my CV, and registering my interest with Barnardo’s to accept emergency teenager night placements, and with Leeds Council to begin the fostering process.
I can see this. 3 days a week nannying, which would be making more than my current allowance. The remaining 4 days a week filled with training with various organisations, occasionally hosting a teenager, and soon fostering; respite placements, arranged short breaks or support care.
Living my life- not just waiting. (sidenote- We could also arrange a wedding without me being a ball of stress..)
As my tutor said- staying would be the easy option, as it would mean no changes, but it’s an incredibly difficult ‘easy option’ to put myself through, and doesn’t make a lot of sense. So I guess I’m saying goodbye to the course.
But really, I have no idea what I’m doing.
Instead of ‘butternut pass Yorkshire’ I reckon you were looking for buttertubs pass. Close but no cigar. That’s on the Tour de France route. I shall also be there, staying in Masham and celebrating with Hope & Social.
Just writing this on my phone in our living room.
Boyfriend is away this weekend so I’ve had a thoughtful day, with 2 more days to go.
I’m watching a programme called ‘wanted: a family of my own’ about adopting, and therefore also fostering. I know it’s an idealised tv version of the truth. But. The doubts are back.
Should I be doing this course? I know I don’t want to do much nursing work once qualified but I also do enjoy the course, and I’m learning so much useful stuff. But. I just know that adoption and/or fostering is in my future, as well as children of my own if we can.
There was a tick box exercise where they had to say yes or no to certain problems and conditions and they’re (potential adopters) sitting there saying no and I’m saying yes and maybe. I’m thinking through my answers for the panel when they go there. I’m wondering what it would be like to go to one of the adoption activity days they go to. I’m thinking how there are so many little boys not placed purely on gender- and I’d love a little boy. I’m thinking about what age groups I’d consider.
These thoughts come in waves- sometimes I can’t stop thinking about it and sometimes I put it aside for a while.
This is coupled with the fact that although he is supportive of any choices, Boyfriend doubts I’ll want to go right the way through this course. That if his business is highly successful still by this time next year say, will I still want to keep writing pointless essays when we can have a family of our own- one of the few reasons I’m staying on, to learn more for them.
Sometimes I think of this, and my nannying experience, as a parenting internship.
I just know that I have no real idea what being a foster carer, or adoptive parent is like but then no one finds out if you’re suitable to be a birth mother either. There’s no test. I can do all the research I want but I’ll never truly know until it’s happening, and then I’ll learn on the job. I know it will some days feel impossible and some days feel the best and most important thing I’ve ever done. Or both, every minute.
I of course wish to parent alongside Boyfriend, but these feelings have been present from before he was in my life, and I don’t want to speak for his feelings. All I know is that he’d like a biological child first if we can, which is something I can happily agree to!
So hard to know. I guess I’ll put it aside for a little longer. But I don’t know what I’m waiting for.
it’s been a little while, I’m not going to apologise because erm I’m not sorry? This is a space I’m going to continue to use, when the mood strikes but has been slightly overtaken by my own daily journalling on the Day One app, and my university course. I’m in a place now where I absorb, via bloglovin’ and instagram but don’t make any/much public content myself. Like all the other blogs that are closing down, or slowing up, at the moment.
I’d love to see you over on the gram, where I’ll be updating a little more frequently, and at the same time keeping things a little less anonymous.
I wrote this a few weeks ago.