Hmmm

In case you hadn’t guessed, I no longer post here.

I write privately instead (I splurged on DayOne for mac, having had it on my phone for a while)

Still – always happy to meet someone new so contact me on butternutb@mail.com if you’d like.

C x

The Sun

I love the sun. Let me count the ways.

Here on this train, from across the fields and through the trees. I lean my head back and close my eyes. And thank my lucky stars for the star.

Through the balcony doors in our old flat, sitting in the bright square cast onto the carpet.

In the morning after I’ve scrambled out of (our newly much lower) bed to unveil the bottom right square of the window, pronounced what kind of day it is and then jumped back into bed. We have 4 blackout blinds, one for each window pane. I made them up myself, using eyelets and nails to hang them off. I suppose we don’t like the sun so much before we’re ready to be awake.

About 8 minutes into my usual running route when I turn the corner onto a road that runs alongside a small field. I briefly run with my eyes closed, as my feet know the path.

When in London and I’m underground travelling on the tube for a while and in the intervening time the weather has miraculously improved and as I pop up I’m hit by it’s warmth.

Hair

In a twist, the very thing I didn’t want to happen did happen, and so I was prepared for it, because I had thought about it in detail.

The doctor today told me that it isn’t the iron levels, it isn’t hormones: there is nothing to fix, it’s just what it is. (It’s erm.. Female pattern hair loss. Now there’s a loaded term).

She launched straight into the options now: cosmetic. Covering it up, mousses pills etc. But I went to her to fix the problem, not hide it. She told me there is nothing to fix.

I’ve never been one for make up, straightening my hair, push up padded bras. For me, a mousse that you sleep with in every night is in the same category. While you’re on it, you have hair. When you stop- it’ll all fall out. It’s not the option for me.

So now I learn to embrace it. To embrace all of me.

I reject the ‘fighting it’ terminology. There is nothing to ‘fight’. It is what it is.

NaBloPoMo

National Blog Publishing Month? Wait a sec, I’ll check. Oh, Posting Month. That makes sense.
So I’m going to give this a go. Show up, day after day. Let’s see.

1. It’s late. When I clicked new post it was 12.34 o’clock, a favourite of mine. You can tell I’m not at home as I’m rarely up at this time there. I’m staying at my parents house.

2. Today I went to dinner with some school friends. It was lovely. I walked a friend back to hers and was invited in for jasmine tea.

3. I’ve given up cereal for a little while. Last week, while I was busy, I ate lots of bowls of it. It’s only Cheerios (and fruit & fibre) but it was the craving part I came to hate. I was thinking of it between meals, after meals, during meals. And we’ve always had Cheerios around, and I never really had them much before. So I said stop. It’s worked already; now it’s not an option, I have only thought of them once.

4. I have an appointment tomorrow with a hair loss specialist. They’ll take a full history, look at previous blood test results and perhaps take a biopsy from my scalp (!). I’m a little nervous- mainly at the thought of not finding any answers. Of being that person, on the endless quest for a diagnosis. Trying this and testing for that. We’ll see- it could be something simple.

5. I had been craving char sui bao for a while (and dim sum in general) so I found a place recommended online (it specifically said popular with local Chinese community – a good sign) and put it on my calendar for today, since it’s near the train station. When I got there I looked at the price on the menu outside, counted my coins then went in and ordered it, and a tap water. When I’d finished, I left my £3, with 40p tip and left. It was a little strange but perfect. They had given me more than a delicious meal- they had hit the spot, and been completely non-judgemental (I didn’t have any more money, and there was a £12 minimum card payment!). It’s called Ho’s, on Vicar Lane, Leeds. I’ll be back, with Boyfriend, and next time we’ll order a full meal and a half.
Oh! Whilst there I saw a boy meeting his girlfriends parents for the first time. He was wearing a tie, looked completely baffled and was being studiously ignored by the father and peered at by the mother. Poor thing.

Till tomorrow (or really, later today).

What’s Happenin’

Written a week ago. Things have subtly shifted since.

1. For almost 3 weeks my ribs were so painful that sometimes I couldn’t breathe. I woke up abruptly so many times in the night because I’d breathed in too hard- so then I was tired, so I would yawn which hurt my ribs, stretching them a little more each time. Catch 22. A pulled muscle I guess.

2. I’ve been getting rid of so many clothes lately, so many things. I listed over 30 items online. I can’t believe I had so many things hanging around that I was happy to sell. They’re selling slowly though.

3. And buying new things: a hob kettle, white jeans, spotty blouse, pale pink chiffon skirt, black sundress, white linen shirt.

4. My thoughts are turning towards my birthday this December.

5. I only realised recently that I’m actually a autumn baby, not a winter baby like I’d always believed. The whole run up to Christmas actually takes place during autumn, isn’t that crazy?

6. I don’t listen to the news lately. That’s where I’m at right now, with that.

7. The Lena Dunham Youtube series. Just watch.

8. Shine theory. Push yourself to befriend that girl who makes you jealous because she has it all, and is so great. Flora I’m looking at you.

9. Just to explain- we’re (still) waiting for which airfield we’re going to be moving near, for Boyfriend’s work. He needs a hangar, to re-spray and valet planes in. It’s been tough. If I’d known it would take this long, I wouldn’t have waited to immerse myself into things.

9. Being a homelover. I’d love a little more to do but I do really appreciate having a home like this. You learn something from every situation you’re in.

10. Got an appointment with a female hair specialist consultant in London in a fortnight. It’s been a long road. Thought it was the anaemia I was diagnosed with back in January, but no luck. The problem with what I’ve got is that my hair always looks like it’s getting better- it’s constantly in the re-growth baby hairs stage. I’m hoping for a concrete solution. I’m hoping this isn’t a continuation of a long search for answers, going increasingly into the unknown. It could be so much worse. Someone told me of a girl who kept having severe facial allergic reactions, was told by specialist that her face would just start to droop and she’d need plastic surgery but it turned out she was just allergic to tomatoes and potatoes.

11. Feeling the growth. The introspection of the nothingness.

12. I want to join a dance class. Perhaps ballet?

13. You just wait. I’m not lazy. Once we have somewhere concrete to live, I’m going to leap into action like a… gazelle.

So that shift.

a. I’ve set up a Facebook group online for people interested in doing the first stage of RIE training, a two week intensive Foundation course. Lots of people are interested, and oddly congratulating me?, and it feels so great.

b. I’m also working next week, with my old nannying family, so that’ll be lovely. If a little nerve wracking, as the holidays are a tricky time- they’re big into TV and I like the outdoors. (But can easily get sucked into the TV trap).

c. I’m focusing on pushing my social life; organising a lunch with some scattered nursing degree friends (only 2/5 are still on the same path as this time last year!), organising a dinner with old school friends, I saw my middle sister in Spain last weekend, spoke to my oldest sister on Monday. Emailing various people, and generally seizing those opportunities.

d. I got an interview for the level 3 children’s counselling course- a little nervous since I’m only halfway through the adult level 2 right now but.. it’ll be OK. More than OK!

e. We’re now a long way down the path to a concrete agreement with an airfield. Strangely enough, it’s the original airfield from 3 ‘for sure’ airfields ago, when negotiations fell apart due to an unpleasant selfish man who is no longer there.

f. we’re good. things are good. we’re lucky.

Memory // 10

to be published on Mondays.

When I was about 15 the school dining room was closed during the summer term. Instead each day we had tokens to get a brown paper lunch bag. They would be handed out at points around the school, with a fierce scrum to get a good one. The best was the pesto pasta salad with mozzarella pearls.

We would sit round the back of the sports hall, the metal ridges of the fire escape stairs digging in to our thighs and eat with small black plastic cutlery. And talk. Endless talking.

In this space / 1

At my parents house for the day.

Taste discomfort of this and the burning need for more croissant. Smell flowers from behind me in a vase. Hear my brother munching on eggs bacon toast, and the cars passing over the hill, and the hum of the electricity through the lights tv fridge. Hear the man cleaning the steps. Feel the strangeness as I sit on this sofa, book in hand. Feel sore soles and delicate ribs, still. Feel the quiet. Feel the failed start of a sneeze as my body knows my ribs won’t take it. Feel the uncertainly of our future plans, my future.

5000.

views. five thousand views.

that’s a lot. (in my mind)

thanks everyone! xox

In Two Parts

I agreed to go out for dinner with a group of people from a netball class that I used to go to sometimes but have now quit. It’s tonight (which is yesterday). This morning, boyfriend said that his friend S (who’s girlfriend E is the one who took me to the class originally) suggested that they meet us after the dinner to have drinks with us. I agree to this plan. I then get a text from E saying that some of the other people in the group want to ‘go out’ after the dinner, so we could do that then get a taxi back to hers and boyfriend and I can stay over. As I was having a brief (yay!) dip into depression the previous 24 hours, it shook me. (Side note- been ages since I’ve had more than a day or so of it- by ages I mean at least 4-6 weeks. Feel blessed and lucky.) I thought I’d do a little before and after piece.

BEFORE: REASONS/THOUGHTS

/ I immediately thought she meant a club (this may not be the case) / I don’t know these people very well at all / The attendees at the netball classes are mainly 30 year olds, and 17 year olds- we’re in the uncomfortable middle / I have been to a club maybe twice, both times with my Boyfriend, since I went to Malia over 3 years ago / I don’t want anyone to touch me / I don’t drink any more because I hate saying stupid things with anyone other than boyfriend or family / I don’t want to stay in their spare room because I like being at home and they have cats / Going out for dinner is enough / I’m 21 I’m supposed to know how to have fun and relax and I’m supposed to enjoy it / Boyfriend was saying some of the best nights out he’s had were when he didn’t want to go – and he still loves it but just doesn’t go / I would love to go, but only with him, to dance / what am I supposed to wear / having dinner 30/40 minutes drive away is probably enough for one evening surely? / I just want to drink water and have a starter for a main – do my thing, you know? /

Anyway, I’m going and I’m going to prepare myself for both a club and staying the night. But really I just want to drive there, eat & smile, and drive back home to Boyfriend- that’s enough apart time.

AFTER: REASONS/THOUGHTS

So I went, and it was fine. Of course. G&T in Wetherspoons, then onto the Italian restaurant- shared garlic bread with onions and mozzarella, then chicken salad and drank tap water like most others (healthy bunch- it is a netball team). Then back to Wetherspoons- got some pitchers- had a couple of glasses of that. Had two shots, one sambuca one tequila. Didn’t buy anything myself. Had a nice time talking to a slightly older girl who has a kid, who was crazy which I loved. Got picked up by the boyfriends at about 1am. The younger girls were on the whole.. young. Mainly obsessed with rating the local clubs, each other and other people they knew. And very nervous about using their fake IDs! It wasn’t so bad- but very glad I avoided the club, (they decided it was too ‘dead’) and that this other girl had been there to talk to too. The spare room was fine, though I thought the mattress was a waterbed one until the morning when I realised I had just been drunk when I got in..

Just goes to show doesn’t it.. but what it’s showing I don’t know because when I knew they were outside I literally ran out the door to kiss Boyfriend right on the face.

Recipes Lately

just a roundup of some recipes I’ve tried lately- mostly of the vegan etc variety. as you can probably tell, boyfriend has been out a lot!

// sweet potato brownies (deliciously ella) these were delicious, but not everyone who tried them was a fan!

// quinoa avocado sushi (plant-based pixie) so yummy, but mine was very messy!

// morning courgette muffins (what would gwyneth do) these have been a favourite for a while- made them 3 times already.

// zoats (mix up of two recipes but it’s just grated courgette, oats, egg white and maple syrup cooked together in a saucepan) – surprisingly delicious- had them twice so far. strange to get your head around but really recommend for getting your greens in.

// // banana puff pancakes; my own recipe; (two heaped 0.25 cups; one of white flour and one of wholewheat brown flour. Add 1 teaspoon baking powder. Mash in a whole banana, and 0.5 cup of almond milk. Squirt in some maple syrup. These burn easily. Heat coconut oil in a pan, pour in and watch carefully. They puff up great on the second side!) These are really great- making them today. Makes 3 small ones.

p.s. really need to get better at iPhone food photography.

stir fry!

Raise Them Up Right

Just a quick note to say how amazed I’ve been by Rebecca Woolf’s (Girl’s Gone Child) words lately. I’m in a stage of really reading, listening and hearing what people are saying.

// This hit me deep. I’ve been there, (a boy with his younger sisters) and I didn’t handle it with the confidence she has. Maybe next time, I will.

“But she’s so cute I wanted to carry her!”

“It isn’t up to you. She wants to walk. Listen to HER words, not YOUR wants.”

go read.. Raising Respectful Sons

// Also, this one; about how our children don’t have to be liked all the time.

Because my fear of being disliked had turned me into someone who had given absolutely everything away… You want my sandwich? Here. You want my bracelet? Here. You want my body? Okay…

go read… The Unbearable Likeness of Being

Have Less

‘look at all those fancy clothes, but these will keep us warm just like those.’

Jack Johnson

so, minimalism.

I recently came across (a late comer to the party, no doubt) The Minimalists and found this list. I thought I’d go through it step by step. For context, we’ll be moving in about 2.5 months but nothing confirmed. It’s our furthest move yet, and we’re considering actually hiring some outside help this time!

Go read the original, then come back; 7 Ways to Sample Living With Less

// clothes.

I’m not great on this one. I don’t have tonnes of clothes, or it feels that way as we have a lot of storage in this house and I could definitely have fewer. The trouble is, I really do go back and realise that something I love just slipped off the hangar. It’s cyclical. You know? Pretty much everything fits me, and I like it. So that’s ok for now. When we finalise our housemove I’ll go through it all again, as I’ve done each time, and donate a chunk. I don’t find choosing to be stressful and have a nice at the moment of jeans, shorts of leggings with an array of pretty tops, cardigans and jumpers. That’s just called getting dressed isn’t it.. But! I have way too many coats. So many coats.

// decorations.

we don’t have that many random decorations, as I try to only bring in things that are beautiful or useful. That old chesnut. Anyway, I did discover the other day that Boyfriend thought a drawing I have was done my sister as opposed to a famous illustrator! All the rest are related to us and our lives together. A set of mini bunting from each anniversary, a canvas photo print from the mini adventure, a vintage tin plate advert of the London-Edinburgh line which we took a thousand times at the beginning of our relationship (we covered 10,000 miles in 6 months visiting each other). You get the idea.

// toys.

.. not a problem we currently suffer from. I plan to be pretty strict on this though- I know that the best toys are not toys at all.

// cooking utensils.

good idea. I might stow away a few. We definitely don’t need a potato masher as I’ve only used it once and found it inconvinient. Guess we could use some improvement here. We have a lot of spare stuff in the copious storage in our bedroom.

// televisions.

we haven’t even plugged it in since we moved here, and cancelled our tv license over a year ago. We still have the screen however, which I’m planning on selling shortly. However- I think the point of this was fewer screens, which we could definitely benefit from. I have a laptop, a tablet/convertible, and a iPhone. He has a laptop, an old laptop, a broken iPhone, and a PC that he never uses but it’s special to him. We also have two spare phones in our tech box. This needs to change.

// counter-tops.

I try to keep our surfaces fairly clear. However I do find that my eating habits benefit from being able to see my healthy options, and I have a glass jar collection to match. It’s arrange by height though, and is very pleasing.

// furniture.

we could probably get rid of some stuff but our place is big- so it works for now. Next place, probably some stuff needs to go.

so on the whole, this has highlighted a few areas to address. Kitchen utensils and making a list of things to sell..

their whole site, by the way, is excellent; go have a look at their inspiring pieces.

Be Sex Positive

Sex education and discussion is something very close to my heart, and without going into my personal story- I’ll leave it there.

I recently became a member of an organisation called Brook that I’ve been following for a while now, on twitter etc. (Unfortunately, they don’t have many opportunities to interact with them this far north, but I’m always hopeful). They spread a message of positive sex education- something that I think is so important. They believe in the greatness of young people, and respecting them. That they can make their own choices, and navigate a path for themselves- but that they do need access and support and honest discussion. This goes beyond ‘always use a condom kids’ (which is all I got at school it seems), to discussion of relationships, enjoyment, consent, abortion, emotions & feelings.

Just look at this latest blog post from their CEO Simon Blake ; Harder no, Different yes.

Proud to be one small part of their great work.

Sex is so often a secret thing, and in a young persons brain things can get so confused with no trusted adult to discuss it with. Sometimes very important personal things get only discussed with other equally confused young people, and or not discussed at all but instead secret-ed away- increasing their feelings of isolation.

Some myths I remember;

‘it’s just body parts connecting, it’s not a big deal’

‘if you’re drunk it’s your own fault what happens next’

‘if you have anal sex you’re still a virgin’ (the whole concept of virgin is one for another day..)

‘if you’ve tried bases 1, 2, and 3 you gotta have sex next’

‘If it hurts that’s just what happens’

‘You can’t stop doing it if you’ve done it with them before’

There was never any discussion of it being fun or pleasant.

When I began university, two years older than most of my class mates, it terrified me to hear stories of near-rape situations- which they laughed off (though of course I don’t these were their real feelings). Some of them didn’t believe that there was anyone kind enough to consider their feelings, that ultimately all men just want sex and you have to go ahead with it for cuddles and affection. They didn’t value themselves, because they had never met anyone who treated them right. Makes my heart twist just to think about it.

I like to think I played a part in empowering those around me, to demand respect and to keep themselves safe- regardless of other people’s opinions.

‘

5 Things I Really Dislike; Kid Edition

Some thoughts from the past fortnight, whilst out and about.

Milk bottles of juice propped up on blankets straight into baby’s mouth
Condescension; ‘ooooh because you’re soooo sweeet you can choose your own’
Denying feelings; ‘you’re ok’ ‘it’s not hot’ ‘it’s not scary’ ‘it doesn’t hurt’ ‘it’s only a scratch’
Little girls in high heels; as their actual shoes, not dressing up.
Smacking.

discipline without shame

juice bottle teeth

the happiest kids don’t have to smile

p.s. couldn’t bring myself to say hate :)

My Personal Diet

… is not a diet.

It’s this;

Or at least, I try.

It was gradual process-

// turning away from bread/products – viewing them as a special treat, almost always wholegrain (which I think taste a hell of a lot better), picking the small size loaf.

// portion sizes- downsizing wherever possible, forget what a meal conventionally looks like – convention is wrong- serve yourself when eating at other peoples houses.

// don’t eat just because it’s dinner/lunch time – listen to your body and eat when you’re hungry- but don’t let it get to food-frenzy-levels.

// eat slower. eat mindfully. I need to remind myself of this every time.

// food diary- just being accountable, the only person I was tricking is myself. This goes back to my childhood. I remember sneaking 4 pieces of toast wrapped in a napkin and sprinting to my room- if no one sees you then it’s didn’t happen right? wrong.

// watching the balance- up the veg, down the dairy/sugar/meat/carbs. Try going grain free for a day – it makes you think (and it makes you hungry!).

// black choc not milk. One square not a bar. Once a week not daily. I was never a big chocolate eater though I suppose.

// don’t set yourself up for a crave-y day. limit sugars, especially in the morning.

It’s nothing new.

Oh, and exercise. I’ run twice a week – and starting each (but not every) day with press ups and leg raises (and stretching/yoga, and failing at pull ups). I walk when I don’t run- through our gorgeous local forest next to the river. Healthy eating alone won’t do anything if you never raise your heart rate.

Just being kind to myself, and appreciating my healthy body. I want to feel a little stronger, and make changes that will stick, no gimmicks.

P.S. This is not the blog post I intended to write but oh well- that one will be up soon.

Keep on Keeping On

I told my parents about my decision to leave my course almost 2 weeks after my meeting with my personal tutor, and after I’d already signed to say I was leaving. This was because my dad had an operation coming up, and I thought it best to wait. I found that really nerve wracking (see prior post!) but it was definitely the right move. Telling them went fine, I chose to do so by email and invited them to then call me to talk about it. They said a few strange things but all ok.

Fast forward to now- two weeks later almost and I’ve come to London to see them while they’re back in the country for a bit. We went out for dinner (dim sum, nom) and things were fine but I knew they wanted to talk further about my plans. This conversation began just before we got the bill.

It’s important to me that they feel heard and that they can express their opinions. Unfortunately they come at things with a very different world view, although there are many things we agree on. As a lawyer and a doctor, they find it hard that I won’t have a job title, or be very well paid for my efforts. They don’t want me to do foster caring mainly as they don’t value looking after children as a worthwhile use of time or talents (hence us being kinda raised by nannies), and I won’t get any recognition for it.
Some phrases used ‘you seem to be narrowing down your life’ ‘what are we supposed to tell our friends’ ‘this won’t use all your talents and skills’ ‘you didn’t give nursing a fair chance’ ‘you keep giving up on things’ ‘you would have been an excellent doctor’ ‘you’re setting your sights lower and lower’ ‘if you’re up against someone with a degree you’ll always lose out’ ‘to do fostering you really need a child psychology degree’.
They have some things that I’m interested in a box marked ‘acceptable’ and others in a ‘disregard’ pile, it seems. Roots of Empathy instructor – tick, fostering – bin, Place2Be training – tick, nannying – bin.
They said they wanted me to be able to support myself (‘I believe in feminism – that you should be independent’. Interesting interpretation, because I thought feminism was about my right to choose what I do). My sister is a box called Artist, so is ‘allowed’ to work at things she hates (restaurant, cabinet painter) to make money to fund her art time. For some reason I’m not allowed to do something I love (nannying/childcare) to fund the things I really love (RIE training, Roots of Empathy, mentoring). Oh but tutoring is ok for some reason- which I’m also planning on doing, of course (why would I not want £20/hour!). They’ve spoken about how my other eldest sister is considering doing some Montessori or Steiner teacher training so that she can have an independent income just in case (tick- sounds legit) but the fact that nannying will pay the same, as my just-in-case option, isn’t ok.
They need to give me a chance to build up experience (some of it unpaid), so I can go forward with my plans (getting training along the way), in order to perhaps in 10 years time be someone who people value the opinion of and who can speak up about things.

I feel like this is it, that I’ve lost their support – though of course not their love. This will rear it’s head many times until I reach a level they’re happy with, and we will rehash the same conversation over and over.

But I remain confident that pursuing my passions and interests is the right thing to do.

Panic?

So, this leaving-the-course decision.. I’m really not good at this.

Case in point, yesterday there was a choice between 4 different trains from London to Gatwick airport, all spaced within 15 minutes of each other and I was completely paralysed by it. I just couldn’t understand why there were so many, or the differences between them and therefore couldn’t make a decision. I also wasn’t sure I was even booking enough or too much time, and maybe I should book a flexi ticket? But then I would just be delaying the problem. Anyway it turned out that they weren’t all going from Victoria station, so that whittled it down and I made a decision pretty quickly after that.

Back to my point. I usually make a decision and then am pretty zen about the consequences of it, as I did my best and had considered all options and outcomes. With this … it’s not so easy.

I go through periods (hours and hours..!) where I’m completely happy and relaxed about this, and know it’s the right thing to do. Then, I’ll read an account of some excellent care delivered by a neonatal nurse, or about the role of a school nurse and just freak. My heart rate goes up, and my brain starts shooting thoughts. The same happens when I remember that I’ve not told my parents, and I’m not doing so until next weekend (as my dad has a pretty important operation on Friday). The reason this concerns me more than normal is that back in May we made the decision together that I would stay on. I had been so sure I had to leave, but a few days later they’d changed my mind. Now I’m sure I’m going to leave (and it’s almost too late to go back now), but I’ve not had any kind of conversation with them about it. But I do think not telling them is the right thing to do, for a little while.

It kind of whittles down to this, which I texted to my boyfriend earlier today;

‘I’m making up my own role*, and I just have no idea if it’s going to work or fulfil me’

Being an adult, eh? It’s the worst. (And the best)

* For those interested, I’m planning on building up being involved with a variety of projects/age groups/companies. This will hopefully include respite caring (during day time or overnight visits), Roots of Empathy, Nightstop host for troubled teenagers, Befriender to teenagers leaving care. In the longer term, I hope to include a relationship with teenagers regarding relationships, consent, sexual health and mental health. I hope to do further training for all the previously mentioned schemes, but also with Kids Company, and Place2Be. I also want to start a family.

As far as I can tell- I don’t need a children’s nursing degree to do any of those things. Therefore I’m OK to leave- right? (What is it with me and needing permission..!)

Open Eyes

I’m in a strange place right now.

Throughout May, since my last blog post about it, I fretted and worried about my future on the course. It got to the point where I was sure I was going to leave. However I went to France for 4 days with my parents and little brother, intending to keep my doubts to myself, but ended up spilling the beans. I spoke to both my parents, individually, for hours. I made a decision to stay, and felt better for having made a decision. I decided to try to do many of the volunteering things I hadn’t signed up for due to the unpredictable nature of the course. I put the doubts to bed, and continued on to my second placement.

I hated it, in summary. Again. It was in fact slightly worse than my previous placement. I just thought to myself, ‘well – I’m obviously not destined for a hospital. This is a stepping stone to whatever it is I want to do, which I have yet to discover (but isn’t nursing).’ My mental health remained good this time, and I was able to live a slightly more normal life whilst doing the shifts.

I then organised a routine compulsory meeting with my personal tutor. I filled out the form beforehand, quickly summarising that I had had doubts but was now staying on the course- and the volunteering things I’d recently signed up to do, as well as a brief bit about my home life and interests.

The meeting was yesterday, and it was not what I expected. She was so lovely. In a nutshell, she said ‘why are you doing this? If you’re going to stay, you need a very good reason- someone specifically saying that you need a child nursing degree to do what you want to do. No one is making you do this, and it sounds like you hate it. I want you to be happy. For most students, the placements are what get them through the hard times- but they are your hard times’. She had a point (understatement), and over the course of the almost 2 hour chat (!) I realised I’d started speaking about the course in the past tense.

Since May, I’d put the decision to the back of my mind because I was so relieved to have made a decision. I was too hasty. If my tutor thinks that, then I shouldn’t ‘just wait until the community placements… just wait until you can choose your own placement in 3rd year.. now you may as well finish’ which is the line I get from the other students on my course. In some ways, if I’m going to leave, it needs to be now- a dignified exit, not dropping out because my flimsy ‘decision’ doesn’t stand up to the pressures of constant placements and the academic work on top.

She also said that I should have children sooner rather than later, if that is what I want- there is nothing stopping me. And I should foster, if that’s what I want- again, there is nothing stopping me…Apart from my fears of what other people think; my parents, my boyfriend’s parents, my siblings, my friends from my school. She said I need to make decisions for myself, and for our future. I felt pretty empowered.

///

So I’m now in the curious position of still attending two tutorials today, but finding out the awesome local nannying job I applied for last night want to see my CV, and registering my interest with Barnardo’s to accept emergency teenager night placements, and with Leeds Council to begin the fostering process.

I can see this. 3 days a week nannying, which would be making more than my current allowance. The remaining 4 days a week filled with training with various organisations, occasionally hosting a teenager, and soon fostering; respite placements, arranged short breaks or support care.

Living my life- not just waiting. (sidenote- We could also arrange a wedding without me being a ball of stress..)

As my tutor said- staying would be the easy option, as it would mean no changes, but it’s an incredibly difficult ‘easy option’ to put myself through, and doesn’t make a lot of sense. So I guess I’m saying goodbye to the course.

But really, I have no idea what I’m doing.

Dear Searcher,

Instead of ‘butternut pass Yorkshire’ I reckon you were looking for buttertubs pass. Close but no cigar. That’s on the Tour de France route. I shall also be there, staying in Masham and celebrating with Hope & Social.

Yours sincerely,
Butternut B

Doubt, again.

Just writing this on my phone in our living room.

Boyfriend is away this weekend so I’ve had a thoughtful day, with 2 more days to go.
I’m watching a programme called ‘wanted: a family of my own’ about adopting, and therefore also fostering. I know it’s an idealised tv version of the truth. But. The doubts are back.
Should I be doing this course? I know I don’t want to do much nursing work once qualified but I also do enjoy the course, and I’m learning so much useful stuff. But. I just know that adoption and/or fostering is in my future, as well as children of my own if we can.
There was a tick box exercise where they had to say yes or no to certain problems and conditions and they’re (potential adopters) sitting there saying no and I’m saying yes and maybe. I’m thinking through my answers for the panel when they go there. I’m wondering what it would be like to go to one of the adoption activity days they go to. I’m thinking how there are so many little boys not placed purely on gender- and I’d love a little boy. I’m thinking about what age groups I’d consider.
These thoughts come in waves- sometimes I can’t stop thinking about it and sometimes I put it aside for a while.
This is coupled with the fact that although he is supportive of any choices, Boyfriend doubts I’ll want to go right the way through this course. That if his business is highly successful still by this time next year say, will I still want to keep writing pointless essays when we can have a family of our own- one of the few reasons I’m staying on, to learn more for them.
Sometimes I think of this, and my nannying experience, as a parenting internship.
I just know that I have no real idea what being a foster carer, or adoptive parent is like but then no one finds out if you’re suitable to be a birth mother either. There’s no test. I can do all the research I want but I’ll never truly know until it’s happening, and then I’ll learn on the job. I know it will some days feel impossible and some days feel the best and most important thing I’ve ever done. Or both, every minute.
I of course wish to parent alongside Boyfriend, but these feelings have been present from before he was in my life, and I don’t want to speak for his feelings. All I know is that he’d like a biological child first if we can, which is something I can happily agree to!
So hard to know. I guess I’ll put it aside for a little longer. But I don’t know what I’m waiting for.

Hello

it’s been a little while, I’m not going to apologise because erm I’m not sorry? This is a space I’m going to continue to use, when the mood strikes but has been slightly overtaken by my own daily journalling on the Day One app, and my university course. I’m in a place now where I absorb, via bloglovin’ and instagram but don’t make any/much public content myself. Like all the other blogs that are closing down, or slowing up, at the moment.

I’d love to see you over on the gram, where I’ll be updating a little more frequently, and at the same time keeping things a little less anonymous.

Round Up

Written in early January.

So, my initial thoughts (as always) is that 2013 was a good year- just fine you know? But let’s sum it up and see if I have anything more to say by the end..

// January.

[Bad start to this post, hazy already.] Boyfriend was working hard at his job, and I was just going with the flow.

// February

Ditto? Set up this blog, here on wordpress rather than on tumblr. I gave up chocolate, which lasted for 6 months. Boyfriend bought me a huge bunch of roses for valentines day. He bought a fish tank, and began collecting strange things in it; Shrimp and snails etc. We did some yoga together.

// March

It was still snowing. His job was hard. I learnt and wrote about unschooling. I beat everyone at bowling at my neice and mum’s joint birthday party.

// April

He got fired/left his crappy/well paid job, and started working as a courier. Cue, crazy month where I was adjusting to him being home so much, and he was adjusting to being free. He turned 24. We considered the idea of him getting a job in London and me skipping Uni but decided to go with the original plan. He set up a business renting our marquees with a couple of friends. I reached 1000 views and 100 likes here on the blog.

// May

He bought a new van. We signed the lease for a new flat, closer into town. Was at the birth of my third niece in London. Boyfriend was still sleep talking. I confirmed my place at University. Boyfriend’s family bought some land in Canada!

// June

We moved house, and realised that it really is the nightmare that people have described it as.

My sister came to visit me. I started working full days with the eldest boy; bad times. Had to stop working at a local special needs nursery, where I had fallen in love with a little boy who was up for adoption. I did a collaboration on the blog, which I got very excited over. The middle girl had a traumatic violin lesson, that really affected me. I bought a rice cooker.

// July

My parents came to visit 2 weeks after we’d moved into our new place. My nannying job ended and I hung around for a while. Bit of an identity crisis- that continued for a while. I watched lots of Nip/Tuck and Vikings. He began applying for more jobs; train driver, for a charity, etc.

// August

Went to France to my family’s house; Boyfriend there for the first week and by myself the second week. Don’t like being by myself! Lots of interesting discussions with my eldest sister about life and love, etc. Doubts about upping sticks to very rural Canada. Began daily journalling, first on Oh Life. Caught a bit of carnival in London, woop.

// September

Progressive nerves about big changes. Apparently I had dreams about my teeth cracking. Started University, and it wasn’t quite what I’d expected, but slowly got into the swing of things. Sold my old car. We celebrated 2 years, minus the actual celebration. Began journalling on evernote instead. Boyfriend did the important exam for his personal pilot’s license. Gave up on alphabet project. The noisy neighbour saga began.

// October

My brother came to stay with us. I had my first student rep meeting. Went to dinner with my old family. I got obsessed with listening to podcasts.

// November

I met his extended family down near London. We had a lovely fireworks night. My first placement, on a tiny baby ward. Nerve wracking, and unpleasant. Made me doubt the course in general. Tried Days app for photo journal but didn’t like it. Boyfriend had a very important job interview- we’ll hear the results before end of Jan! Celebrated birthdays in London with a family brunch. I realised I’ve made a real university friend.

// December

Boyfriend made a new flying friend. Bought a new car, fiat 500! Signed on to a new flat. I turned 21, with my best birthday in memory. Chauffeur, hotel, trampolining, decadent if slightly strange carrot cake, dressed up frozen pizza living room picnic. We moved house, and it was pretty stressful but not as bad. I went France to see my family, queue more life crisis. Switched daily journal to Day One app.

So, lots happened. 3 different houses, 4 different vehicles between us. Start of Uni, end of both of our jobs, many job applications.

Some Goals

/ This year is going to be the year I grow my hair back. No more donating blood (big sad face for that) and gotta take my iron supplements every day. Had blood tests last week to rule anything super bad out, and at the doctors a few days before that he informed me I had had an iron level of 14 in October 2012; normal range being 10 to 100 (but some doctors say 20 to 100)- so thanks for that, GP surgery- you were supposed to call me if anything looked strange.

I will grow this hair back, I want it thick and lucious like it was when I was a kid- and like all my siblings.

/ I want to stay active- not slip back into passive like I was while Boyfriend was at his tough job. It was necessary for survival at that time, but now I need to make sure I represent myself and make my choices, not let them happen.

/ I want to keep working on widening our list of meals, making them more veg-heavy.

/ Who knows what 2014 will bring?

Potentially; essays and placements for me- lots of learning and discovering, engagement, total life gear change & happiness if he gets this pilot job (though it wouldn’t start till 2015) Fingers crossed no more house moves this year, and no babies just yet,

Stock

Making : the mistake of eating sugar, creating an endless crave consume cycle that may never end.
Cooking : nothing yet, but later hot dogs and tomorrow broccoli frittatas for my January new recipe.
Drinking : nothing – but you’ve inspired me to dig out my bottle of water
Reading: blogs- what else!
Wanting: my headache to go away
Looking: into quitting sugar- one day a week or cold turkey for a bit?

Playing: Milky Chance remixes from the fantastic soundtrack of the youth blog.
Wasting: Nothing really. I have nowhere I need to be, nothing I need to be doing. Tomorrow there are things to do but not right now.
Wishing: we knew the answer to this endless job application opportunity
Enjoying: this song
Waiting: always waiting – though doing my best to appreciate the every day, don’t want to be a wait-er. I said that exact sentence last night, when I realised the joke but it was too serious a time to point it out. I also don’t want to be a waiter, but doubt I’ll ever be one.
Liking: a funny text
Wondering: about this course, and my future involvement with it..
Loving: my boyfriend
Hoping: he’ll be back soon, and be a whirlwind of happiness not grump.
Marvelling: at how one blog post breeds more.
Needing: the last instalment of a trilogy I’m into
Smelling: nothing. my conditioner a little
Wearing: jeans and a black cashmere jumper (ultra lux)
Following: this music blog in future more closely
Noticing: I shouldn’t have sat for so long on this kitchen bench at my laptop
Knowing: that all is well
Thinking: today is better than yesterday. concious effort.
Feeling: more calm, more pleasant, more happy.
Opening: up my tablet for some netflix time
Giggling: I hope so

Feeling; this improved my mood, or maybe that was the music.

18.38 30.01.14 it’s code!

Days

I wrote this a few weeks ago.

Inspired by; http://residencyinmotherhood.com/mothers-days/#!prettyPhoto

/ Sunday /

midnight- our dinner guests are still here

1.46- They leave to go home

1.50 I take out contacts, brush my teeth and unpin my hair to put it into a pony tail. Sleep after analysing our conversation with the guests. Tell him he shouldn’t have brought up homeschooling.

11.40- Boyfriend stirs and starts browsing on his phone. I think it’s about 8 oclock and try to stay asleep.

11.53- I ask what time it is, he tells me it’s past 12. This is very unusual. Can’t remember last time we slept past 9.30, but we’re usually in bed by 10.30pm.

12.10- After chatting for a while, and phone browsing my stomach is growling too much so I get up.

12.12- He gets in the shower and I head to the kitchen to take iron pill with some water, and contraceptive. Put on some frozen toast.

12.14- it’s burnt, put on another piece

12.16- eat it standing up. take zinc tablet.

12.30- I have a bowl of cereal, finishing my milk. We make a plan to go to supermarket to get me more milk and some pate for him. I get dressed. I put the dishwasher on.

12.45- we drive to get fuel, and I can’t unscrew my own fuel cap.

1- In morrisons, shopping. Get tangerines, pate, ham, baguette and 2 bottles of milk.

1.30- Home. put dishwasher on properly this time. I read more Mother’s Days while slowly eating baguette with pate and strawberries. He’s watching a war documentary, but since it’s narrated by Jeremy Clarkson who I hate, he considerately uses headphones.

2.20- I make myself some ‘instant tea’- sugar and water effectively, with a nice flavour though.

2.48- I write this. I google an ancestor who was first sea lord in the uk, to find he has his own wikipedia page. I email the link to my dad.

3.01- we decide to go for a walk so i get changed and we put our wellies, coats and scarves on.

we walk down to the river, up along the crest past the new built lovely houses and loop back down to the river’s edge then back through the village.

3.45- get back, make tea for us both and sit down to our computers. i open out my newspaper and magazine bundle from yesterday, my saturday ritual.

4.01- clipped a recipe for pear muffins (reasonably healthy)

4.04 – opened dishwasher to allow the things to cool

4.27 finish reading an article in the magazine about babies on the neonatal ward – where I have a placement coming up soon for my course.

4.57 I finish reading the family section of the newspaper, and look at a site dedicated to returning soft toys to children

5.01- Finish reading the cooking section

5.05- halfway through muddling through a will self essay i realise I need to do some homework for tomorrow.

5.21- Finish the article anyway, over a snack of spinach and a bread stick. Reply to a text from neighbours confirming drink tonight at 8 over the road.

5.28- eat more spinach leaves, this time with balsamic

5.40- call my mum back for a bit

5.46- finish looking at biology notes and work out how the term is going to go from that information

6.00- finished every single mothers day piece.

6.05 looked at blog posts on bloglovin, including the weekly blog link roundups

6.13 really liked this

6.30 pasta craving

7. cuddles then start cooking, then eat.

7.58 get to the bar over the road, sir down with beer and g&t

8.09 they’re late

8.11 they arrive. Good chat

10.05 get home

10.21 in bed

10.30 finish updating to do list then sleep.