my sister's balcony, in Spain.

What’s Happenin’

Written a week ago. Things have subtly shifted since.
1. For almost 3 weeks my ribs were so painful that sometimes I couldn’t breathe. I woke up abruptly so many times in the night because I’d breathed in too hard- so then I was tired, so I would yawn which hurt my ribs, stretching them a little more each time. Catch 22. A pulled muscle I guess.
2. I’ve been getting rid of so many clothes lately, so many things. I listed over 30 items online. I can’t believe I had so many things hanging around that I was happy to sell. They’re selling slowly though.
3. And buying new things: a hob kettle, white jeans, spotty blouse, pale pink chiffon skirt, black sundress, white linen shirt.
4. My thoughts are turning towards my birthday this December.
5. I only realised recently that I’m actually a autumn baby, not a winter baby like I’d always believed. The whole run up to Christmas actually takes place during autumn, isn’t that crazy?
6. I don’t listen to the news lately. That’s where I’m at right now, with that.
7. The Lena Dunham Youtube series. Just watch.
8. Shine theory. Push yourself to befriend that girl who makes you jealous because she has it all, and is so great. Flora I’m looking at you.
9. Just to explain- we’re (still) waiting for which airfield we’re going to be moving near, for Boyfriend’s work. He needs a hangar, to re-spray and valet planes in. It’s been tough. If I’d known it would take this long, I wouldn’t have waited to immerse myself into things.
9. Being a homelover. I’d love a little more to do but I do really appreciate having a home like this. You learn something from every situation you’re in.
10. Got an appointment with a female hair specialist consultant in London in a fortnight. It’s been a long road. Thought it was the anaemia I was diagnosed with back in January, but no luck. The problem with what I’ve got is that my hair always looks like it’s getting better- it’s constantly in the re-growth baby hairs stage. I’m hoping for a concrete solution. I’m hoping this isn’t a continuation of a long search for answers, going increasingly into the unknown. It could be so much worse. Someone told me of a girl who kept having severe facial allergic reactions, was told by specialist that her face would just start to droop and she’d need plastic surgery but it turned out she was just allergic to tomatoes and potatoes.
11. Feeling the growth. The introspection of the nothingness.
12. I want to join a dance class. Perhaps ballet?
13. You just wait. I’m not lazy. Once we have somewhere concrete to live, I’m going to leap into action like a… gazelle.
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So that shift. 
a. I’ve set up a Facebook group online for people interested in doing the first stage of RIE training, a two week intensive Foundation course. Lots of people are interested, and oddly congratulating me?, and it feels so great.
b. I’m also working next week, with my old nannying family, so that’ll be lovely. If a little nerve wracking, as the holidays are a tricky time- they’re big into TV and I like the outdoors. (But can easily get sucked into the TV trap).
c. I’m focusing on pushing my social life; organising a lunch with some scattered nursing degree friends (only 2/5 are still on the same path as this time last year!), organising a dinner with old school friends, I saw my middle sister in Spain last weekend, spoke to my oldest sister on Monday. Emailing various people, and generally seizing those opportunities.
d. I got an interview for the level 3 children’s counselling course- a little nervous since I’m only halfway through the adult level 2 right now but.. it’ll be OK. More than OK!
e. We’re now a long way down the path to a concrete agreement with an airfield. Strangely enough, it’s the original airfield from 3 ‘for sure’ airfields ago, when negotiations fell apart due to an unpleasant selfish man who is no longer there.
f. we’re good. things are good. we’re lucky.
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The Circle – Dave Eggers

So many stars for this.

I almost don’t feel like I have the required intelligence to comment on this book. Oh Dave, you are genius.

It’s about a world where a company, a sort of cross between Facebook and Google and Apple, kind of own the internet – all social media, the only search engine – and have unlimited funds to continue funding their ideas and acquiring start ups, into the realm of distinctly scary.

It’s a world where keeping anything private and not sharing about it online is depriving others of essential second hand experiences. Where everyone has the right to know.. Everything. And where secrets are only horrible and bad if you keep them to yourself.

The amazing thing is that at the start things don’t seem so bad – one login for everything, based on your real identity? Well that wipes out the trolls, and the need for ever stranger passwords and usernames. A bracelet that monitors all your health stats, so your doctor can keep an eye on you? Sign me up. Maybe.

Just go read it. So many thoughts.

Memory // 10

to be published on Mondays. 

When I was about 15 the school dining room was closed during the summer term. Instead each day we had tokens to get a brown paper lunch bag. They would be handed out at points around the school, with a fierce scrum to get a good one. The best was the pesto pasta salad with mozzarella pearls.

We would sit round the back of the sports hall, the metal ridges of the fire escape stairs digging in to our thighs and eat with small black plastic cutlery. And talk. Endless talking.

In this space / 1

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At my parents house for the day.

Taste discomfort of this and the burning need for more croissant. Smell flowers from behind me in a vase. Hear my brother munching on eggs bacon toast, and the cars passing over the hill, and the hum of the electricity through the lights tv fridge. Hear the man cleaning the steps. Feel the strangeness as I sit on this sofa, book in hand. Feel sore soles and delicate ribs, still. Feel the quiet. Feel the failed start of a sneeze as my body knows my ribs won’t take it. Feel the uncertainly of our future plans, my future.

In Two Parts

I agreed to go out for dinner with a group of people from a netball class that I used to go to sometimes but have now quit. It’s tonight (which is yesterday). This morning, boyfriend said that his friend S (who’s girlfriend E is the one who took me to the class originally) suggested that they meet us after the dinner to have drinks with us. I agree to this plan. I then get a text from E saying that some of the other people in the group want to ‘go out’ after the dinner, so we could do that then get a taxi back to hers and boyfriend and I can stay over. As I was having a brief (yay!) dip into depression the previous 24 hours, it shook me. (Side note- been ages since I’ve had more than a day or so of it- by ages I mean at least 4-6 weeks. Feel blessed and lucky.) I thought I’d do a little before and after piece.

BEFORE: REASONS/THOUGHTS

/ I immediately thought she meant a club (this may not be the case) / I don’t know these people very well at all / The attendees at the netball classes are mainly 30 year olds, and 17 year olds- we’re in the uncomfortable middle / I have been to a club maybe twice, both times with my Boyfriend, since I went to Malia over 3 years ago / I don’t want anyone to touch me / I don’t drink any more because I hate saying stupid things with anyone other than boyfriend or family / I don’t want to stay in their spare room because I like being at home and they have cats / Going out for dinner is enough / I’m 21 I’m supposed to know how to have fun and relax and I’m supposed to enjoy it / Boyfriend was saying some of the best nights out he’s had were when he didn’t want to go – and he still loves it but just doesn’t go / I would love to go, but only with him, to dance / what am I supposed to wear / having dinner 30/40 minutes drive away is probably enough for one evening surely? / I just want to drink water and have a starter for a main – do my thing, you know? /

Anyway, I’m going and I’m going to prepare myself for both a club and staying the night. But really I just want to drive there, eat & smile, and drive back home to Boyfriend- that’s enough apart time.

AFTER: REASONS/THOUGHTS

So I went, and it was fine. Of course. G&T in Wetherspoons, then onto the Italian restaurant- shared garlic bread with onions and mozzarella, then chicken salad and drank tap water like most others (healthy bunch- it is a netball team). Then back to Wetherspoons- got some pitchers- had a couple of glasses of that. Had two shots, one sambuca one tequila. Didn’t buy anything myself. Had a nice time talking to a slightly older girl who has a kid, who was crazy which I loved. Got picked up by the boyfriends at about 1am. The younger girls were on the whole.. young. Mainly obsessed with rating the local clubs, each other and other people they knew. And very nervous about using their fake IDs! It wasn’t so bad- but very glad I avoided the club, (they decided it was too ‘dead’) and that this other girl had been there to talk to too. The spare room was fine, though I thought the mattress was a waterbed one until the morning when I realised I had just been drunk when I got in..

Just goes to show doesn’t it.. but what it’s showing I don’t know because when I knew they were outside  I literally ran out the door to kiss Boyfriend right on the face.

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Recipes Lately

just a roundup of some recipes I’ve tried lately- mostly of the vegan etc variety. as you can probably tell, boyfriend has been out a lot!

// sweet potato brownies (deliciously ella) these were delicious, but not everyone who tried them was a fan!

// quinoa avocado sushi (plant-based pixie) so yummy, but mine was very messy!

// morning courgette muffins (what would gwyneth do) these have been a favourite for a while- made them 3 times already.

// zoats (mix up of two recipes but it’s just grated courgette, oats, egg white and maple syrup cooked together in a saucepan) – surprisingly delicious- had them twice so far. strange to get your head around but really recommend for getting your greens in.

// // banana puff pancakes; my own recipe; (two heaped 0.25 cups; one of white flour and one of wholewheat brown flour. Add 1 teaspoon baking powder. Mash in a whole banana, and 0.5 cup of almond milk. Squirt in some maple syrup. These burn easily. Heat coconut oil in a pan, pour in and watch carefully. They puff up great on the second side!) These are really great- making them today. Makes 3 small ones.

p.s. really need to get better at iPhone food photography.
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stir fry!