I Want

I imagine

I have a serious and kind 4 year old son. He thinks a lot but also throws himself into things with abandon and joy. He laughs with his eyes closed, his toes wiggling.

I have a playful loving husband. He wants to make our lives bigger and better, and has learnt my rhythm, my pages and chapters off by heart. Off my heart. Of my heart.

I have a foster placement, an almost 2 year old with global developmental delay. He hums with excitement whenever he is near our son – and he just learnt to blow raspberries. Sometimes he looks into my eyes and I can hear him, in the words and sentences I may never get to hear.

I am heard, and I have things to say.
I am something and someone.
I am strong and peaceful.

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The Circle – Dave Eggers

So many stars for this.

I almost don’t feel like I have the required intelligence to comment on this book. Oh Dave, you are genius.

It’s about a world where a company, a sort of cross between Facebook and Google and Apple, kind of own the internet – all social media, the only search engine – and have unlimited funds to continue funding their ideas and acquiring start ups, into the realm of distinctly scary.

It’s a world where keeping anything private and not sharing about it online is depriving others of essential second hand experiences. Where everyone has the right to know.. Everything. And where secrets are only horrible and bad if you keep them to yourself.

The amazing thing is that at the start things don’t seem so bad – one login for everything, based on your real identity? Well that wipes out the trolls, and the need for ever stranger passwords and usernames. A bracelet that monitors all your health stats, so your doctor can keep an eye on you? Sign me up. Maybe.

Just go read it. So many thoughts.

Memory // 10

to be published on Mondays. 

When I was about 15 the school dining room was closed during the summer term. Instead each day we had tokens to get a brown paper lunch bag. They would be handed out at points around the school, with a fierce scrum to get a good one. The best was the pesto pasta salad with mozzarella pearls.

We would sit round the back of the sports hall, the metal ridges of the fire escape stairs digging in to our thighs and eat with small black plastic cutlery. And talk. Endless talking.

In this space / 1

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At my parents house for the day.

Taste discomfort of this and the burning need for more croissant. Smell flowers from behind me in a vase. Hear my brother munching on eggs bacon toast, and the cars passing over the hill, and the hum of the electricity through the lights tv fridge. Hear the man cleaning the steps. Feel the strangeness as I sit on this sofa, book in hand. Feel sore soles and delicate ribs, still. Feel the quiet. Feel the failed start of a sneeze as my body knows my ribs won’t take it. Feel the uncertainly of our future plans, my future.

In Two Parts

I agreed to go out for dinner with a group of people from a netball class that I used to go to sometimes but have now quit. It’s tonight (which is yesterday). This morning, boyfriend said that his friend S (who’s girlfriend E is the one who took me to the class originally) suggested that they meet us after the dinner to have drinks with us. I agree to this plan. I then get a text from E saying that some of the other people in the group want to ‘go out’ after the dinner, so we could do that then get a taxi back to hers and boyfriend and I can stay over. As I was having a brief (yay!) dip into depression the previous 24 hours, it shook me. (Side note- been ages since I’ve had more than a day or so of it- by ages I mean at least 4-6 weeks. Feel blessed and lucky.) I thought I’d do a little before and after piece.

BEFORE: REASONS/THOUGHTS

/ I immediately thought she meant a club (this may not be the case) / I don’t know these people very well at all / The attendees at the netball classes are mainly 30 year olds, and 17 year olds- we’re in the uncomfortable middle / I have been to a club maybe twice, both times with my Boyfriend, since I went to Malia over 3 years ago / I don’t want anyone to touch me / I don’t drink any more because I hate saying stupid things with anyone other than boyfriend or family / I don’t want to stay in their spare room because I like being at home and they have cats / Going out for dinner is enough / I’m 21 I’m supposed to know how to have fun and relax and I’m supposed to enjoy it / Boyfriend was saying some of the best nights out he’s had were when he didn’t want to go – and he still loves it but just doesn’t go / I would love to go, but only with him, to dance / what am I supposed to wear / having dinner 30/40 minutes drive away is probably enough for one evening surely? / I just want to drink water and have a starter for a main – do my thing, you know? /

Anyway, I’m going and I’m going to prepare myself for both a club and staying the night. But really I just want to drive there, eat & smile, and drive back home to Boyfriend- that’s enough apart time.

AFTER: REASONS/THOUGHTS

So I went, and it was fine. Of course. G&T in Wetherspoons, then onto the Italian restaurant- shared garlic bread with onions and mozzarella, then chicken salad and drank tap water like most others (healthy bunch- it is a netball team). Then back to Wetherspoons- got some pitchers- had a couple of glasses of that. Had two shots, one sambuca one tequila. Didn’t buy anything myself. Had a nice time talking to a slightly older girl who has a kid, who was crazy which I loved. Got picked up by the boyfriends at about 1am. The younger girls were on the whole.. young. Mainly obsessed with rating the local clubs, each other and other people they knew. And very nervous about using their fake IDs! It wasn’t so bad- but very glad I avoided the club, (they decided it was too ‘dead’) and that this other girl had been there to talk to too. The spare room was fine, though I thought the mattress was a waterbed one until the morning when I realised I had just been drunk when I got in..

Just goes to show doesn’t it.. but what it’s showing I don’t know because when I knew they were outside  I literally ran out the door to kiss Boyfriend right on the face.

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Recipes Lately

just a roundup of some recipes I’ve tried lately- mostly of the vegan etc variety. as you can probably tell, boyfriend has been out a lot!

// sweet potato brownies (deliciously ella) these were delicious, but not everyone who tried them was a fan!

// quinoa avocado sushi (plant-based pixie) so yummy, but mine was very messy!

// morning courgette muffins (what would gwyneth do) these have been a favourite for a while- made them 3 times already.

// zoats (mix up of two recipes but it’s just grated courgette, oats, egg white and maple syrup cooked together in a saucepan) – surprisingly delicious- had them twice so far. strange to get your head around but really recommend for getting your greens in.

// // banana puff pancakes; my own recipe; (two heaped 0.25 cups; one of white flour and one of wholewheat brown flour. Add 1 teaspoon baking powder. Mash in a whole banana, and 0.5 cup of almond milk. Squirt in some maple syrup. These burn easily. Heat coconut oil in a pan, pour in and watch carefully. They puff up great on the second side!) These are really great- making them today. Makes 3 small ones.

p.s. really need to get better at iPhone food photography.
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stir fry!